She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
