Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
