if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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