I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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