I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
