Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
