Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
