If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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