He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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