I can't breathe out the right side of my face
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
