ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
