I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you win again, gameday.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize