maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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