According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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