Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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