Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
