ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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