dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
