I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
