ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
this boner is exhausting
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
