Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
