I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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