I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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