Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Barsexuality is the new black.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.