the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I won't apologize to a one balled man
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
