Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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