So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
