You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
