i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
