I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
