If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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