he wants to bone in the snuggie
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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