Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
