Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
