I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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