How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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