after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I want a musical about memes.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
