This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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