i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
