Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
