Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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