You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
