Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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