She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
