Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
