WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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