One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
