is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
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She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
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i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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