I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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