Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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