Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
