Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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