Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
