4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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