once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
